A Rut

So, I recently went to the audition for Clayton Community Theatre's presentation of "Lysistrata" and after waiting for a couple days, I heard that not enough people showed up for the first 2 auditions so the company wanted to hold 2 more auditions. Well, the day before the last audition, I asked the director out of curiosity what the rehearsal schedule was going to be like. My boss had just put out the October schedule and it had me down to work a good deal since one of my co-workers decided to quit and join the Air Force without giving any notice (I do hope that he matures somewhat if he wants to be a good soldier) and my boss still hasn't hired anyone new. Which means, my month of October is pretty full just with work. I don't mind it or anything, I'm happy about the money, but when I talked to the director about the schedule she said that she was hoping for 4-5 nights a week of rehearsal.

Hey, if I had a day job that went from 9-5, I would still do the show but 4-5 nights a week with a full-time work schedule on top of it (with hours from 10AM to 9PM) makes the possibility of doing the show nonexistent. 3 nights a week, I could have worked out but no more than that. It's weird, I didn't have that much rehearsal in a week for any of the professional companies that I have been a part of. I guess it's been awhile since I did community theatre...


But I talked to the director and told her what was up, that there was no way that I would be able to do the show with a full time schedule that had me set to work most nights. Truthfully, if I had known before my boss made the new schedule, I could have probably swung it but because enough people didn't show up, it pushed that back and made it impossible to request the time off. The director totally understood and said that she looks forward to being able to work with me at some point and I do as well. It's such a shame though, she told me that I was cast at Lysistrata, a part that I have wanted to play for quite some time, a part that I KNOW I would be so good at.

As much as it pained me though, I needed to be responsible and back out before the final audition. The director appreciated that I gave her enough time still.

I'm just going through a bit of a rut. I can't just sit still and I have a feeling though I will need to constantly keep myself busy for the rest of my life. I've been worried about the future. I want so much from life, I demand it. I would like to have a career that I enjoy and would be happy with until I was able to retire. I still would like to do theatre but I'm not moving to California like I thought I would. I met a man and fell in love and now I want to be with him forever, marry him and be happy. Granted, that isn't my only goal in life but it's a big one. He's a big part of my life. And I know that if we went to California, we'd be stressing out over money, he'd be upset about moving away from his family and our friends (as would I), and truthfully, I realized that I don't want to do film anymore. It was a whim, a swift flash of a dream, and I'm much happier with stage. I KNOW stage.

I would like to look into becoming a psychiatrist or counselor. I believe I would be very good at it. I just need to act upon this goal now. I've never been good at beginnings, I don't know where to start or even how.

While I'm a little upset that I turned down the role that I wanted, I have to remember that it was for the best.